Nineteen Stars
by Kolie
Summary: My life is full of only two things...pain and despair. Where there should be light, there is only darkness and my limbs have forgotten how it feels to be warm... Akuroku, one-shot, inspired by "Nineteen Stars" by Meg & Dia


Ooooookay…after a long bout of being able to write absolutely nothing, I managed to stumble across an old FMA one-shot that I wrote. I almost had a heart attack while I read through it because it was actually pretty good. Kinda surprising since I haven't been able to write FMA fics for shit. Sucks since it's my favorite anime and all, but oh well… Anyway…after reading it, I knew that it could use some tweaks here and there to make it better…and that it just might work better as a KH fic that for FMA…On another note…I really dunno what to call this… Yesh, it's angst, but I dunno whether or not it would be considered AU…_:sighs:_…I dunno…It is but it isn't, if that makes any sense…LoL…

Anyway…enjoy!…

WARNINGS: DARK…very, very dark…language, self-injury, suicidal thoughts/ideations, yaoi, lemon…

**Disclaimer:** the characters and worlds of _Kingdom Hearts_ belong to Square Enix and Disney… "Nineteen Stars" belongs to Meg & Dia (from their _Our Home is Gone_ album)…

…_we all feel like we're breaking sometimes…_

**o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o**

**Nineteen Stars**

**o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o**

My life is full of only two things…pain and despair. Where there should be light, there is only darkness and my limbs have forgotten how it feels to be warm. Would I could blame this on someone other than myself, but I know that I can't. It's my fault that my life has grown to be this insignificant thing that it is and it's my fault that everyone around me is so distant. They don't want to touch me because they are afraid to feel the chill of my skin. The chill that eats straight through to my soul.

It's a cycle. I wake in the middle of the night and it's always the same thing. I try my hardest to stifle the scream because if I cry out Sora will panic. Then I tiptoe my way to the bathroom. After almost a year of sneaking around, I know where all the squeaky floorboards are and where I should move to dodge the furniture.

It takes me a while, but when I finally make it to my bathroom sanctuary, I feel like I am safe. This is the only place in which I ever feel that I am truly wanted. Even when I am hard at work, I can clearly hear the call of my only friend. It really is the only one that understands me and my pain, and the only one who can take it away.

I know that Sora knows, but it's just so hard for me to stop. Just the sight of my blood as it drips to the floor fills me with a strange sort of high. The numbness of my body is increased tenfold with each and every cut, and I dissociate myself from this world a little more everyday. It's an addiction; no different than nicotine is for a smoker. The sting of the blade as it makes that paper-thin cut, the line of blood that forms at the opening of the wound; that is my nicotine.

I know that it's time for me to get up and head to school, but I can't muster the strength or motivation to get out of bed. Sora knocks on my door. I don't answer. My attempt at ignorance is in vain, however, because my Other just opens the door and shakes me roughly. I violently shove him and his hand away with a glare. The pain I cause him is evident in his eyes and I know that he wants to confront me about my actions as of late, but he doesn't do anything. His lips form a tight line and he nods curtly before leaving me alone in the blissful darkness of my bedroom.

Axel knows too. He has to. I know that he's not _that_ ignorant and he wouldn't push something like my new self-abusive addiction to the side. But he hasn't said anything to me about it. Does he even care? And why am I so worried about whether he does or not? It doesn't mater, it won't change anything. Axel knowing won't take away any of my pain. It if did, I wouldn't be here right now, lying in my bed with the covers pulled over my head to keep out the few rude rays of morning sunlight that have managed to sneak past my blinds. Yet here I am—wondering, worrying. It's pointless.

I want to scream, but I don't want to scare Sora and have him rush back to my room because he'll only get angry with me. He hates it when I start my days like this, though why he's not used to it by now I don't know. I've been this way ever since he, Riku, and Axel managed to find a way for me to have my own body. Cold, dead, numb. I can feel Sora's and the way it yields under my hand, yet I can't "feel" it. It doesn't make any sense, and I know that I'm only going to frustrate myself if I lay here and think about what it could possibly be, but I have nothing else to divert my attention.

And it's the same with Axel. I can feel the softness of his skin when I run my hands along it and I can taste him when we kiss, but there's no warmth. It seems that nothing will be able to reach my sealed body. I can't help but laugh at that thought. It's just too ironic. Here I am, with my own body, and yet I can't feel anything. Maybe it really isn't my fault that I'm like this. Maybe they fucked something up when they did their little spell to make me this way. I'll never know, and I hate it.

Love and hate for myself and those around me are twin demons that fight a never-ending war in my mind. They never rest. They keep me awake at night and drive me mad. The scream that fights to tear out of my throat is one of frustration because I know the only way that I'll be able to shut them up.

And though I'm surrounded by people who love and care for me, I feel like there is nothing that can make this better. No one can travel back in time and make it so I never find out about Sora and try to find him. No one can take back the journey we all had to go through. And no one can make this pain bearable. It's a lost cause. I know that I should give up and let those around me breathe without having to worry about me all the time, but, as the old cliché says, it's easier said than done.

It doesn't matter how many times I press that blade against the inside of my arm, it doesn't matter how blissful and free I feel as the hot blood run down my arm before it drips to the floor. It would devastate Sora and Axel if I were to kill myself, and I know that they've already got enough to deal with. Not only does Sora have to constantly worry about me, but he has to keep his eye on Riku as well to make sure that he doesn't fall prey to the darkness again. And Axel has to try and find a way to fit into life here on the Islands without raising any suspicions. And for what? So he can stick around and help me. Or at least that's what he says.

There's another knock on my door and I grumble, pulling my blankets up over my head in the process. It's Sora again. I know it is. He doesn't say anything before he comes in. He pushes open the door and walks into my room. He doesn't try to be quiet about it, either. Clunking footsteps and then the bed sinks beside me. I clench my eyes closed and try to feign sleep, but if it's Sora, I know that he won't fall for it. I've played this game with him too many times in the past.

Something pulls the blankets back away from my face and I relax my eyes. No one sleeps with their eyes clenched like that unless they're having a nightmare or something.

"Get up, Roxas."

My body involuntarily freezes when I recognize the voice. Shit. It's Axel. Great. This is going to be a wonderful morning. Before I can gather an ounce of control over the situation, my eyes snap open and the dull, dead blue is met with bright, loving green.

"Axel?" The name comes as barely a whisper, but it sends a violent burst of emotion ripping through my body. Tears invade my eyes and the shadowy face of the angel above me slowly blurs and I'm left with nothing but a bare outline.

I don't want to be alone. I don't want to suffer anymore. But the pain is just so tempting…so inviting…so _addicting_. I'm addicted to the sweet scent and taste of my blood. I don't want to know what life will be like without it. How will I survive? I've been relying on that shining, metallic friend of mine for too long. What will I do without it? Live in happiness? Yeah, right. There is no such thing as happiness. There never is for a Nobody such as myself.

Soft hands wipe away my tears and a pair of gentle lips kiss my forehead softly. I open my eyes and am once again met with Axel's kind and caring face. He's lying down next to me now. He smiles when he sees that I'm awake and wraps his arms around me, pulling my body close and tight to him. My eyes slowly slip closed and I bury my face in his chest, taking a few deep, stabilizing breaths.

"Talk to me, Roxas. Please. I'm begging you."

Tears fill my eyes and fight to spill over as I bury my face deeper into his chest and try my hardest to be unresponsive to his pleas. Axel never begs for anything, not even from me. Knowing that I've reduced him to begging and lowering his standards hurts. I don't want him to be this way because of me.

I hear him sigh after a few minutes of silence and his fingers twine themselves in my hair, calming me with the simplest of gestures. A heavy sigh steals its way through my lips and I pull away from his chest to glance up into his eyes.

"What will come of it?" I whisper.

A brief flash of pain cross his eyes. He hides it well, but not well enough. I brush my fingers back through his long hair and try my hardest to smile at him, to calm his raging worry, but I suspect that all that formed was an ugly grimace that failed to calm his worry.

Tears well in the depths of his eyes and threaten to fall. I move my hand to wipe them away with a thumb, but he catches my wrist in his hand. Terrified, I try to struggle out of his grasp, but he refuses to let go. His grip is like a vise.

He sits up and pulls me with him, pushing the long sleeve of my nightshirt up my arm to expose what is hidden underneath. A sob hitches in the back of his throat when every wound and scar is revealed and his fingers graze gently against my cold skin.

"Why? Why do you do this to yourself? Why won't you talk to me, Roxas? Why?"

His questions are borderline incoherent mumbles, but I pick up on every word. _Why?_ The best answer I can give him is "because." There is no why or how or what to it. I do it because it takes the pain away. I do it because it makes me forget. I do it because it keeps me _alive_. If I couldn't make the cuts, then my next choice would be a gun to my head. If I couldn't get a hold of a gun, then I would hang myself. If I had never accidentally cut myself while helping with dinner what feels like forever ago, then I would have never known how much better just _seeing_ my blood makes me feel.

I can feel it when he starts shaking and I have to close my eyes against it. A few more stray tears manage to sneak their ways out of my clenched eyelids, and that breaks the dam. Before I have the chance to stop myself, I break into sobs.

Axel coos quietly in my ear and moves me so I'm straddling his lap, my face still buried in his chest. Unable to stop the relentless flow, I let everything out; all of the pain and suffering and coldness that I've felt for so long is screamed into his chest, barely muffled by the fabric of his hoodie.

I don't want to be like this! I don't want to feel. I liked it so much better when I was numb and when I could control my emotions, choosing to let them free only when I wanted them to. I hate that Axel does this to me, yet I love him for it as well. I would be dead now if it weren't for him and how easily he makes me cry.

I have a feeling that I'm going to have to learn how to experience life all over again. It's been so long since I've felt warmth with my own two hands that it almost seems like something God gives to people He likes, those people who never went against, defied, or denounced him. People who weren't me.

"Please, Rox," Axel whispers and he kisses the top of my head softly. "I need you so bad. You're everything to me. I don't know what I'll do if I lose you."

I slowly pull away from his chest, my bloodshot eyes giving his face something that just barely constitutes as a glance before they sink back down to the hands that are nervously fidgeting in my lap. Axel sighs for what seems to be the millionth time in the past five minutes and puts his hand under my chin, forcing my face back up and my eyes to look into his.

He stars into my eyes for what seems to be an eternity. It scares me. I don't want him to see that terrified little boy that still lingers in the back of their dead blue depths. I don't want him to see the hurt, the fear. I don't want him to see the love and thanks I have for him. I don't want him to see how badly I want him right now.

I don't know if he can see my thoughts or not, but I don't want him to see the small reflection of metallic silver. I don't want him to see the gun that I have wedged between the mattress and box spring of my bed. I don't want him to see the unshed tears that are tearing my sanity to shreds.

I don't know whether he found his answer or not, but he slowly drops his face down until his lips are just a breadth away from mine. "Why?" he whispers before he closes the gap between us and takes my lips with his own.

It's different, kissing him with my eyes open like this, but different is never something that's bad, I guess. I can see how he's feeling, what he's feeling. I can see that he loves me but is afraid to say it in my current state of mind, is afraid that it will send me teetering over the perilous edge that I'm already standing on the verge of jumping off.

He pulls away to breathe a few seconds later and wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me close to him, if that's even possible. Our bodies are so close that they feel like one, yet his sensations aren't transferred to me. I still don't feel, still don't care, still want to escape from everything. Call me a coward if you must, but I'd rather be a coward than a burden to everyone around me.

"I want to help you feel again."

The sudden sound of Axel's voice pulls me out of my thoughts. I shake my head and finally realize that he's staring at me, running a hand through my hair to brush to back behind my ear like a broken record. Over and over and over again. But it feels so good. I lean into his hand and let a soft sigh fall from my lips, the first sign of content I've shown in a long time. Hopefully it's something that will give him the small amount of reassurance that he needs; that I'll be okay as long as he's with me. That he's my strength, my savior…my Guardian angel.

Hands rough from years spent in battle dip beneath the hem of my almost too large nightshirt and slowly move up my back. Fingers dance along my spine and send shivers rippling throughout my body. My eyes slip closed of their own will accord and I drop my forehead so its resting on his shoulder, my breathing slightly ragged and racy. The fingers slow to a stop at the collar of my shirt before moving up and wrapping around it, pulling the annoying piece of cloth over my head and tossing it over to the side.

Slowly and gently, Axel lays me back on the bed so he's kneeling comfortably between my legs. His rough and gentle hands roam over my newly exposed flesh, toying only briefly with each of my nipples before on of them weaves its way up and into my right hand. His other hand grips my left wrist gently and pulls my arm into the air. He moves up and eyes each of my wounds and scars with malice, and then he surprises me by lowering his lip to them. Feather light kiss make their was up my arm, leaving behind a trail of want and need of completion and solace.

Once every cut and slightly raised new pink flesh has been dealt with, Axel moves his lips to my neck. He starts at the spot just below my ear, the spot he knows will have me writhing in seconds, before trailing them down my jaw line, down my throat, to my collarbone to nip and suck, and then to each of my nipples. A deep moan that I try to suppress falls from my lips and I bury my fingers in his hair, arching my back in response to his touches.

Axel pulls away from my chest and bends down so his mouth is right next to my ear. "Does it feel good?" he whispers huskily. "Do you want more?"

I open my eyes as he pulls away and stare deep into his, clouded with lust and want and the eager urge to make me feel better. Hell…to just make me feel. Without taking a moment to think about the ways that my answer will change our relationship, I nod and close my eyes again.

Axel's lips return to mine and this time I kiss him back with a vicious need. I need him, want him…only he will make me feel, if only for the moment. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and hold him to me, opening my mouth to let him plunge in. My tongue fights with his in a vain attempt at dominance but it eventually gives itself over to the pleasure, just like my body.

A hand snakes its way down my body and dances along my muscles, making vicious shivers followed by lust filled moans overtake my body. The hand moves down further and further, until there's nothing left but the cloth of my boxers separating it from my growing ever painful erection. He cups his hand around it and squeezes gently, eliciting a half-surprised, half-lustful moan from my throat.

But soon the boxers are gone and the hand is rubbing across the sensitive flesh, cupping my balls, stroking me. It takes everything I have to not come on the spot. It feels so good and I'm on the verge of a sensory overload, but I don't want to tell him to stop because I don't want to lose the feeling.

He pulls away from me sooner than I would have liked and I prop myself up on my elbows to half-mindedly watch him remove the clothes from his body, each piece that lands on the floor revealing another battle scar, another tone muscle, more creamy flesh that I long to run my hands over. He crawls back up my body once he's completely stripped of his clothes, his tongue tracing lazy designs as he moves. He starts at my ankles and moves up my calves. Then he works on my thighs, teasing me and making me tremble by nipping and sucking at the flesh of my inner thighs and letting his cheek just barely rub against my erection before moving on.

Before I have time to prepare myself for the feeling, I'm enveloped in sweet warmth that makes me want to cry out. My hands immediately ball in the sheets, my hips instinctively thrusting forward gently in attempt to get him to move. When he does, I can't help the deep, guttural moan that slips past my lips. It just feels so good. To go from feeling nothing to feeling this sort of pleasure after such a long period of time seems sinful, dirty…just so damn _exhilarating_. I love it!

It doesn't take long. Axel slowly eases his mouth down my length until it touches the back of this throat. His barely there gag reflexes force him to swallow and I have to bite down on a fist to keep myself from screaming out at how utterly wonderful it is. He pulls back until I'm almost all the way out of his mouth, then moves back again, swallowing me and making me want to scream out in pleasure. My hands somehow find their ways into the bright red strands of his hair and hold his head in place while I thrust wildly. I come only few moments later, spilling myself into his mouth.

He sucks until there's nothing left to take and then moves back up to my mouth. He kisses me with fiery passion and lets my tongue explore his mouth this time. I taste something that isn't quite Axel in his mouth and realize that it's myself. His tongue chases mind back into my mouth and he sucks and nips at my lips before pulling away to breathe.

"Lubrication," he gasps.

I furrow my brow at him, my mind too far gone to come back and try to comprehend what he was saying.

"Lubrication," he repeats. "Oil? Lotion? Anything?"

Too out of breath to say it, I point to my dresser and the bottle of lotion that's sitting on top of it. He smiles and kisses me quickly before pulling away and padding over to the dresser. He grabs the bottle and carries it back to the bed, squirting some in his hand as he crawls back onto the bed and situates himself between my legs.

"This is going to hurt a little bit," he says, then laughs. I guess he realized who he was talking to.

"Don't worry about it," I mutter. "I think I can handle a little pain."

He smiles the smile that's only reserved for me and kisses me again quickly. I feel something toying with my entrance, something cold and wet that makes me shiver, and then it pushes forward and enters me with a sharp sting that surges across my nerves. I wince slightly but then take a deep, shuddering breath when the pain quickly subsides and is replaced by pleasure. The finger thrusts in and out a few more times before it's removed and relubed, only to reenter me with a second finger.

He hooks his fingers deep inside of me and white stars explode across my vision. I can't help but scream out, it feels so good.

"Gods, Axel," I whimper, not failing to notice the lust layered in my voice. "Please. Don't stop."

It goes on like this for a while, him thrusting his fingers into me, hitting _that_ spot every once in a while. He adds a third finger for good measure in the end.

I feel empty…alone when he finally thinks that I'm stretched and prepared enough and he pulls his fingers out of me. But I'm only left disappointed for a few minutes because the fingers are soon replaced by something else, something much bigger, something much more sweet.

He moves slowly, taking his time in pressing into me even though I can see in his face that he wants to pound me senseless. I lift my legs and tighten them around his waist, making him move faster, smiling at the low hiss that escapes his lips when he's finally seated all the way inside me.

Axel opens his eyes and stares down at me, his eyes widening slightly at the smile that I give him, the first smile I've given anyone in years that actually means something. He returns the smile and stoops down to take my lips in his. He sucks at my bottom lip—biting it, teasing it—sliding almost all the way out of me before thrusting forward again.

"Faster," I moan. "Harder. You know I can't stand things slow, Ax."

I see him smirk just before I close my eyes, and he picks up the pace. It doesn't take long before he finds my prostate and hits it over and over again, making me cry out each time, tears streaming down my face. His arms wrap around my thighs and lift them so my ankles are hooked over his shoulders. I open my eyes to question him, but he silences me with another thrust; a thrust that goes _deeper_ than any so far, a thrust that makes me scream out as if I'm in pain when I'm really overloaded with pleasure.

"Oh, gods, Rox. So great," he gasps. "I'm not gonna last much longer."

He wraps a hand around my weeping, returned erection and strokes it softly, running his finger over the top of smear my precum. He lifts the finger to his mouth and licks it away, making my eyes roll back in my head at how damn sexy he looks.

His hand returns to my erection and I arch my back, trusting into his loose fist. He quickens his thrusts into me and pumps my erection at the same pace, his eyes closed and his head tossed back. The sight is too much for me. My orgasm overtakes my body as I scream out his name and a stream of incoherent and meaningless curses as I shudder and release myself over Axel's hand and my stomach.

"Gods," he moans and I feel him spill over inside of me—taking me, marking me, claiming me…saving me.

He falls forward when he's done, catching himself in time so he doesn't crush me. He pulls out of me and falls to his side, his breathing heavy in his chest. I lay back with my eyes closed, reveling in my heightened after sex senses. Not only can I feel, but my numbness has disappeared as well. It may just be for the moment, but at least it's gone. For the first time in months, I feel alive.

Axel is the first to move. He props himself up on an elbow and kisses me softly on the lips. He then falls back onto the bed and wraps a protective arm around me, holding me tight to him as if he's afraid to let me go or I'll disappear. But in reality, I'm the one who's afraid to let go because I don't want to be alone again. To be alone like that would kill me.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey…" The old song he used to sing to me back when we were in the Organization and The World That Never Was echoes around my room, Axel's face buried in my hair. "You'll never know, Dear, how much I love you, so please don't take my sunshine away."

Axel kisses the side of my head and finally voices the three little words that have been a struggle for him since the day we first met.

"I love you," he whispers into my ear. "I love you so much. You have no idea."

I slowly open my eyes and turn my face so I can look him in the eye. "No, I think I do," I whisper and move up so I can kiss him softly. "I know all too well."

He smiles softly and kisses me between the eyes. "Get some rest, okay? I'll be here when you wake up."

I don't want to, but I do what he says anyway. I am exhausted after all, and I'm sure my mind could use a rest after the overload it just went under. I close my eyes with a quiet sigh and slowly drift off to sleep, the sounds of Axel's quiet breathing following me into the darkness.

**o-o-o-o-o**

When I wake up, Axel is still there, just like he'd promised. I smile as I stare upon his slumbering face. He looks so peaceful while he's sleeping. I can't help but wonder if I look the same way. Do I look like I don't have a trouble in the world while I sleep? Or does my pain come to the surface when I don't have control over my features? I file the questions in the back of my mind to ask Axel later. He's stirring from his sleep now, and I don't want to bother him with deep, dark questions after what he'd had to witness this morning.

"Hey, Sunshine," he mutters sleepily, lifting a hand to swipe my bangs out of my face.

"Hey."

He frowns slightly and cocks his head to the side. "How are you feeling? Any better?"

I don't take any time to think about my answer. "I'm good." And it's the truth. The moment I woke up I could tell that something was different. I don't know what happened while Axel and I consummated our love for one another, but it had turned me into a different person. I hope it's not only for the moment.

The smile that lights up Axel's face is brilliant and beautiful, and I can't help but to return it. "Oh, thank the gods. I'm glad to hear that."

"I'm sorry that I worried you," I whisper.

He's quiet for a moment and I squeeze my eyes closed in preparation for the barrage of questions that is sure to follow, but he just sighs and kisses me forehead gently. It surprises me, but I'm thankful nonetheless. I may feel better, but that doesn't mean that I'm ready to talk about my problems yet.

"It's…all right." He sighs heavily. "I guess."

I shake my head. "No, no. It's not all right." He opens his mouth to argue, but I shut him up with a quick kiss. "It's not all right that I shut everyone out like that. And…and it's not all right that I can't tell you why I did. What is all right, though, is that I can tell you that it might happen again. When it does, I don't want you to give up on me, okay? You're what's kept me here for so long."

His eyes widen for a brief moment before he smiles and cups my face in his hand. "Oh, Roxas. I would never be able to give up on you. I love you. We've been through way too much for me to be able to live without you. So trust me… Whether you're hurting or happy I'll be by your side forever."

The heat of a blush quickly runs up my face and I have to bury my face in Axel's shoulder. He chuckles quietly and runs a hand back through my hair, using a gentle grip on the strands to pull my face back so he can look into my eyes. I meet his gaze without stalling, a small smile twitching at the corners of my lips. Axel steals the smile away promptly, sealing his lips to mine in a heated kiss.

"I'm scared," I whisper when we pull away to breathe.

"Don't worry. I'll be here, I promise."

I nod and press my lips against his chastely. "I know that you will. Thank you."

He smiles and holds me tightly in his arms. I sigh and return the embrace happily. I am beyond terrified of what is going to happen now. I'm scared that what happened last night was only a quick fix for my depression problem. I'm afraid of what's going to happen when I reintroduce myself to the world. What will Sora and everyone else think? But my biggest fear is how long everyone will be able to wait before I have to tell them what exactly went wrong. How can I tell them something I don't know?

Quiet breathing above me makes me lift my head, and I'm greeted by Axel's sleeping face. I smile. He fell asleep while holding me. Careful not to wake him, I manage to pull myself out of his arms and trek quietly to the bathroom.

I close and lock the door behind me when I make it to the bathroom, quickly moving to my drawer of weapons. I pull the small case I hide my blades in out of the drawer and stare at it absently until I find my strength. When I do, I unzip the case and turn it upside down over the toilet. The small silver blades tumble beautifully through the air until the hit the water and sink to the bottom of the basin. With a simple flush, they're gone and a wonderful sense of calm overtakes me. Without glancing back, I drop the case back into the drawer, close it and leave the bathroom for my room again.

When I curl back up in Axel's arms, I let my thoughts wander. I wonder how long the calm will stay and just how badly I will panic when I need a blade and realize that I don't have any left. I don't want to be reduced to someone that resembles a heroin addict, but I know that flushing my blades was the best decision I could have made. I'm not allowed to leave my house on my own anymore, so someone will be with me at all times to make sure I don't buy anymore blades. And I don't think that I'll be left on my own around the house anymore, either.

The thought is comforting. I won't be alone again. Someone will always be there for me, whether I like it or not. It's as scary as it is comforting, but I know that I'll get over it. Even when I feel like I'm the only one who's there for myself, Axel will shove himself into life to show me that I'm not. He'll always be there and he'll always be Axel. And I'll always love him for it.

-OWARI-

A/N: Whew…talk about angst out the wazoo, huh? LoL. Yeah, just a bit…_:sighs:_…I know that some of the things that Roxas thinks at the beginning are convoluted and contradictory and stuff… Well…welcome to the mind of someone suffering with depression while dealing with self-injury and suicidal thoughts. It sucks. Trust me. There were days when I woke up in the morning and could feel the pain of living, and then there were other days when I would wake up and not be able to feel anything. It was horrible…

Anyway…at least the ending is a little bit happy…sorta…I guess. LoL. It was nice to be able to write something so full of angst, and I'm really glad that I stumbled across that FMA fic or else I wouldn't have been able to get this. I was hoping that it would inspire me to write on "Understanding," but unfortunately, it didn't. I have been inspired for something new to write, though. Haven't decided whether it'll be original or not, but oh well… That'll come, I guess…

Sank'yuu to everyone who read this. I hope you enjoyed it at least a smidge, but now I must run and concentrate on the rest of the Davidson/Kansas game. I am insanely sad that UofL lost last night, but if Davidson pulls this off it just might take some of the pain away…LoL…(EDIT: the sadness has increased tenfold…_:sighs:_…)…

Adieu…

Kolie  
Page 9  
March 30, 2008  
6:39 PM


End file.
